Bad Breath and Beyond & the Man of Honor

Due to some soon-to-be famous Aussie chick that's been nominated for a Joey Award (errr, as I like to call it, but it's the equivalent of our Golden Globes - fyi) that claims she has stumbled across my blog before while seeking out the infamous Snakes on a Plane blog that began it all last summer...I have decided to seriously embrace this anti-myspace page and vomit my thoughts on a daily basis. One begins to truly question if a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound?

A few weeks ago I found myself wandering into a Bed Bath and Beyond, or as in the title, Bad Breath and Beyond if you will-

I have no idea why I went in there searching for something I didn't need. Guess it was one of my daily jaunts just to get my numbed ass out of the house. Typically, I'd choose to drive to some wayward locale, i.e., the airport or Pasadena or Mullholland Drive. The latter kind of makes me sick to see all the sappy happy couples embrace the final rays of the sunset while holding each other close and whispering sweet nothings in their ears.

"You complete me and I love you more than anyone in this world."

Translation: Do you seriously think you can do better than me? This is afterall the land of opportunity. Witnessing these saccharine moments, I slowly feel diabetes lurking behind.

Bitter? A little bit. But then again, I look back to my sister's wedding. She was a little Bridezilla that day. Let me paint you a picture..

Reaching way back to 2002, I was coming up on my one year of being in los angeles. That past summer, I trained like a madman and worked out like 7 days a week out of boredom. One night in November I went to clear the space between my ears from a relationship that was taxing me. I ended up with a fractured ankle. Ouch.

My sister called like a week later and said that she wanted me to be in her wedding back home in Minneapolis and that I needed a tux. After explaining that I had a cast, she dismissed it with a joke saying that she wanted me as her Man of Honor. WTF? hahahaha.

I arrived back home with tux slung over my shoulder and crutches. At the rehearsal for the wedding, I crutched down the aisle and stood alongside the groomsmen. My sis made her appearance and asked what the hell I was doing on that side?

Typically the men go there. She responded with her wishes of me being her Man of Honor. I laughed out loud and said I thought she was kidding. She laughed out loud and thought that I was joking about my ankle and crutches. (see, we're very good at communicating in my family)

Flashforward to the next night. Music's playing, the guests are cattle-wrangled in and my sis comes up to me with one hell of a humble, sincere look on her face. Were we about to truly bond???

"Today's the day." she said.

"I'm so happy for you jen..."

"Thanks Jack. Thanks for making it a day about me and me alone. No distractions..."

I still feel that air of confusion setting in. In the blink of an eye she swiped my crutches away from me and threw them in the corner-

"I can't have you be that distraction. And don't limp." my loving little sis scurried away.

Hobbling down the aisle, a low whisper swept the cathedral and as I struggled up onto the altar and stood next to her Maid of Honor, my best bud belted out-

"Jack, you're on the wrong side man."

All I could do is shake my head until my mother whispers with tears already flowing-

"He's her man of honor."

I guess in hindsight that was one of those moments that will last a lifetime. Now look at what I've done, as is the night I wandered into Bad Breath and Beyond, I once again wandered out without anything in hand.